Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
