I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
