A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
