Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
