I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
