His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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