I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
