I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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