He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
