you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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