Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
