dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
