dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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