pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
