I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
