I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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