His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
