she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
