walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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