just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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