i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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