I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
