hell yes lets make some ravioli
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
