Sry I called you an 8
Sober January is a disaster.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
