Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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