Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
