No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
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