Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
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