I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
