I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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