I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
