Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
