in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize