No stitches, just platelets and will power
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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