i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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