I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize