Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
