and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize