If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
