Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
