My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
