i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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