my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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