I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Dick very happy bro
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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