no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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