I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
