if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
