If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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