I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
