why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
