When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
