She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
he had hair everywhere except his balls
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
