life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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