i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
