How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
