that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Randomize
