Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
