did i walk over a car last night?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
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