Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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