Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I wish they made helmets for livers.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
