i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
