what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
