If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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